I jumped at the opportunity when I heard I could be in one of these videos, but once I thought about it for a while, I became worried. I'm the only one in my family who has left, and I still know a lot of people that are still unaware I've resigned, and I worried that some, or even many, of them would think of and treat me differently.
I was born into and raised in a mormon family, and had been "true blue" all of my life up until I finished high school. I had some back and forths with believing and doubts, and really struggled with self esteem and feeling like I was good enough as a person, so I couldn't bring myself to go on a mission, and it made me feel like a failure, a disappointment, and an outcast. For a while I thought I'd moved on, but I was still mormon on the inside.
Fast forward a few years later, when I was struggling in life, as most everyone does at some point or another, and I had decided to give up. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I just quit. It happened to be that night when the missionaries stopped by unannounced to see if I was ok and if there was anything they could do for me. I hadn't been to church in a while so this was a surprise to me and I wondered if they were prompted to come to me because of my despair.
That started what seemed like a very long, yet at the same time, very short, journey to the end of my belief. I very much like to read and learn and think, and it revived those interests in me full throttle. The layers of belief unraveled, one by one, until I had to start from scratch.
I'd always thought I had a lot of integrity and I was pretty honest, but recognized that I was fooling myself and others in a lot of areas of my life by being disingenuous and inauthentic. Taking a long, hard look at the church's extraordinary claims, eventually, I came to the conclusion that my experience was easily coincidence. I had moved into a new house and it follows that when my records were moved they sent the missionaries to check up on me. It didn't have anything to do with my emotional or spiritual state. Then all of my other deep, very real, intense spiritual experiences that I had had in the past seemed to unravel and unfold and I understood them and could explain them better than before.
I had so many questions, that didn't seem to have adequate answers, or peoples' responses weren't adding up. Things like, "Well, are you reading your scriptures?" or simply "We're to walk in faith in this life, not by knowledge," and all the others, as if my behavior influences what is true and what's not. Whether or not a person is doing those things, doesn't change reality and doesn't change the truth.
Since becoming willing to look every perspective, including information and material from outside the church, and broaden my perspective about a lot of things, I started to see that a lot of reasons not to believe any other religion apply just as equally to any sect of mormonism.
I realized, prayer just simply is not an accurate nor reliable tool or method for revealing truth or influencing the outcome of future events, the same with fasting, or paying tithing, or patriarchal blessings, or fast offerings. My behavior has no impact on what is true and what is false.
http://www.i-am-an-exmormon.com
http://www.exmormon.reddit.com
http://www.exmormonfoundation.org
http://askreality.com
http://www.postmormon.org
http://www.LifeAfterMormonism.net
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